Today was one of the longest days I can remember having in medical school. It was long in both hours and mental drain. This morning, we had four -- FOUR -- lectures, about bone tumors, radiology of rheumatology, thalassemias, and sickle cell anemia. After a very short lunch, we had a small-group case conference on monoarticular arthritis and its various causes. Hours-wise, I'm sure 6 hours of class doesn't sound like that much, but let me assure you: it was exhausting.
Despite that, I was having a good time. The bone tumor lecture was fast-paced and to the point. The radiology lecture was hilarious, because the doctor teaching it happens to be a sarcastic physician who also works as the Bronx Zoo radiologist in his spare time. (Yes, he x-rays animals. In his free time.) The thalassemia lecture was potentially confusing, yes, but I was on fire and ready to give my full attention, and so it made sense to me. Unfortunately, this wasn't true for many of my friends, who complained about the complexity and lack of teaching quality immediately afterward. On top of that, some of them started talking about Boards, and about study strategies, and about how stressed they were, and about scores -- and I started to panic. I couldn't be there. I couldn't hear it. I needed to leave.
So I did. I left the auditorium and walked out into the courtyard. It was surprisingly warm, and I spied some chairs in the sun, so I walked over to them and sat down. I'm an optimistic person, a happy person, and I don't generally get too stressed when it comes to school. I've always been that way. Sure, I'll have moments of panic when I realize that assignments and responsibilities are building up, or if I don't feel prepared for a test, but typically my view is that I know what I know, I can do what I can do, and at a certain point, that's got to be enough. There may be a time to stress about Boards, but for me, it is not now. With my heart beating fast from the claustrophobia of being surrounded by stressed classmates, I sat in the chair in the sun and closed my eyes. I knew that I needed to do something, some kind of meditation or song or anything, to calm myself down enough to go back into that auditorium. All that could come to my mind was the following song:
Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever long to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever long to be.
All of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
I surrender these into your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
I surrender these into your hands.
For it's only in your will that I am free.
For it's only in your will that I am free.
Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever long to be.
And I was calm. And I was refreshed. And I was ready to go back. That peace pervades me still, as it always does. This is why I am calm: because I know I've got nothing to fear.
Despite that, I was having a good time. The bone tumor lecture was fast-paced and to the point. The radiology lecture was hilarious, because the doctor teaching it happens to be a sarcastic physician who also works as the Bronx Zoo radiologist in his spare time. (Yes, he x-rays animals. In his free time.) The thalassemia lecture was potentially confusing, yes, but I was on fire and ready to give my full attention, and so it made sense to me. Unfortunately, this wasn't true for many of my friends, who complained about the complexity and lack of teaching quality immediately afterward. On top of that, some of them started talking about Boards, and about study strategies, and about how stressed they were, and about scores -- and I started to panic. I couldn't be there. I couldn't hear it. I needed to leave.
So I did. I left the auditorium and walked out into the courtyard. It was surprisingly warm, and I spied some chairs in the sun, so I walked over to them and sat down. I'm an optimistic person, a happy person, and I don't generally get too stressed when it comes to school. I've always been that way. Sure, I'll have moments of panic when I realize that assignments and responsibilities are building up, or if I don't feel prepared for a test, but typically my view is that I know what I know, I can do what I can do, and at a certain point, that's got to be enough. There may be a time to stress about Boards, but for me, it is not now. With my heart beating fast from the claustrophobia of being surrounded by stressed classmates, I sat in the chair in the sun and closed my eyes. I knew that I needed to do something, some kind of meditation or song or anything, to calm myself down enough to go back into that auditorium. All that could come to my mind was the following song:
Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever long to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever long to be.
All of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
I surrender these into your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes, and plans
I surrender these into your hands.
For it's only in your will that I am free.
For it's only in your will that I am free.
Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever long to be.
And I was calm. And I was refreshed. And I was ready to go back. That peace pervades me still, as it always does. This is why I am calm: because I know I've got nothing to fear.
That is so beautiful Michelle! I have been having a similar week and I found this quote from St. Francis de Sales to be particularly helpful-very similar to your song.
ReplyDelete"We can spend our days running in circles, obsessed by a thousand things, convinced that each one of them is all-important to our happiness. Or we can stop for a moment and think of eternity. Then we see how very unimportant are the thousand concerns that clutter our minds and preoccupy our souls. How little they matter!" Imagining you sitting in the sunshine makes me very happy-we are so blessed to have our hope rooted in Him!
mmm, this is good stuff, my dear. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteAMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!
ReplyDelete